In the realm of psychology, few ideas are as profound and thought-provoking as Erich Fromm's distinction between the 'having mode' and the 'being mode'. This concept, introduced in his seminal work 'To Have or To Be?', offers a profound insight into the human condition and the way we navigate our lives. Fromm's theory posits that there are two fundamental ways of living, and the choice between them shapes our experiences and our sense of self. In this article, I will delve into Fromm's ideas, explore their implications, and reflect on how they might apply to our modern lives, particularly in the context of material possessions and personal growth.
The Having Mode: Clinging to Possessions
The having mode, as Fromm describes it, is a way of life where one's identity is closely tied to the possessions and control they have over them. It is a mode that can be tempting, as it provides a clear and tangible answer to the question of one's worth. For instance, consider the purchase of a new motorbike. It becomes a symbol of achievement and a marker of one's progress. However, as I discovered, the feeling of satisfaction derived from such purchases is often fleeting and superficial. The motorbike, despite being more than just a possession, did not inherently make me a better person. Instead, the joy came from the anticipation and the desire, not from the act of ownership itself.
The having mode can be a dangerous path, as it creates a fragile sense of self. When one's identity is fused to a thing, letting go of that thing can feel like losing a part of oneself. This is evident in my experience with my coffee business. I held onto it for longer than it deserved, not because of financial reasons, but because shutting it down meant admitting a loss, and that loss felt like losing a piece of my identity. This is the quiet damage that the having mode inflicts - it encourages us to hold on to things, even when they are no longer serving us, because letting go feels like letting go of ourselves.
The Being Mode: Growing into One's Self
In contrast, the being mode is a way of life where one's identity is not tied to possessions but to one's own growth and connection with the world. Fromm defines 'being' as a mode of existence where one is 'joyous, employs one’s faculties productively, and is one with the world'. This mode is not about owning nothing, but rather about making things that have meaning and value to us. For example, my leather wallet, which I made myself, is a possession, but my relationship to it is different. It has grown with me, and it is a tangible reminder of my creativity and resourcefulness.
The being mode also aligns with modern research findings. Cornell psychologist Thomas Gilovich and colleagues have found that people tend to get more lasting satisfaction from experiences than from objects. This is because experiences are inherently less comparative and less subject to invidious social comparisons. A memory, unlike an object, does not invite the question of who has a better one.
The Catch Nobody Mentions
The simplicity of Fromm's theory can be misleading. It is easy to read his ideas and conclude that the solution is simply to own less, buy less, and want less. However, as Fromm warned, the very attempt to suppress having and consuming can lead to an equally preoccupation with having and consuming. The minimalist who counts their possessions with pride is still keeping score, even if they are fewer.
Choosing the being mode is not about living an austere life. It is about making conscious choices that align with our values and our sense of self. Deciding to be the person who doesn't chase material possessions can become its own status object, its own thing to have. The test is not whether a path looks austere, but whether it is actually yours, or whether you have simply swapped one borrowed script for another that flatters you more.
Where I Actually Land
I have not graduated from one mode to the other, and I have stopped expecting to. Most days, I carry both. I can be content with the worn wallet and the light bag, and then catch myself an hour later measuring my life against someone else’s driveway. The being mode is not a summit you reach, but a direction you keep having to choose, usually on ordinary mornings when no one is watching.
What I can report is small and specific. The letting-go has gotten easier over the years, not harder. The motorbike meant nothing within a week, while the wallet still means something after a decade. I take that as a clue, and I keep the two modes in the same pocket. This balance allows me to be both content with the simple things and aware of the deeper questions that life raises.
A Call to Action
If any of this stirs up something heavier than curiosity, about identity, loss, or where your sense of self has quietly attached itself, a good therapist is worth far more than an article. However, I also believe that exploring these ideas can be a powerful tool for personal growth and self-discovery. By understanding the having and being modes, we can make more conscious choices about how we live our lives and what truly matters to us. In the end, it is not about owning less or more, but about being more - growing into the person we truly are, rather than clinging to what we own.
